Our Experience Connection Approach
Couples often arrive to us in a state of exasperation; you may have spent many months, or even years, going around in very familiar cycles, feeling stuck with no idea how to overcome this.
You may enter expressing an apathy, or sometimes a certainty that things will never change. Therapy is often the “one last go” at finding a new way through.
It is likely you have attempted dozens, if not hundreds of times to try and reach resolution with each other in an attempt to connect beyond a certain cycle of conflict that has always tended to take over, no matter how hard you try.
Seeking therapy and wanting help likely demonstrates you hold hope that the bond you share is so much more than the cycles of conflict that have overshadowed it.
How you are supported here is essential. Two tender hearts fearing loss enter the room. This may be disguised behind raised voices or hidden by folded arms in a slump on the chair, but the fact that you are there says you are willing to try.
It's very common that both people arriving in therapy believing the other is the problem; if only they would change all would be well. We help you to see a co-created cycle and understand how to unite against this together. This article has been written to explain how.
At Experience Connection we have honed and perfected a very specific approach that is held up by 5 pillars of theory which underpin to how we respond to you. We provide a set of very clear techniques for you to take with you out of the therapy room and into your lives.
We address disconnection as the primary problem and focus on what gets in the way of secure bonding.
1) We are Attachment Informed
Attachment theory proposes that we all have an innate need within us to feel connected. Our bodies relax and everything settles when we know that someone is with us, understands us and is committed to walking by our side. Attachment theory believes there is no getting away from this, it is in our wiring from birth. It indicates that our survival is dependant upon a felt sense of settled safety and connection with others. This need continues through-out our lives.
When this connection is, or appears to be, inaccessible we learn certain patterns of relating that protect us from the pain of this. There are a variety of positions we can resort to but most commonly they take the pattern of withdraw or pursue (a reference to avoidant and anxious attachment styles but we view them in a less concrete way).
These positions, originally learnt to protect self, remain in tact until addressed, and end up contributing to a cycle of disconnection. When one pulls away it automatically pulls the other into pursuit, and visa versa.
These patterns are evident with every couple who comes to us, though the underlying fears driving these are completely personal and therefore unique. We help you to see the patterns, pause them and begin understanding what is driving them, together.
We understand these cycles of conflict and the positions taken as an attempt to manage attachment distress. When support is offered to each of the partner towards pausing the position and a communication of those deeper fears is facilitated, a new playing field emerges.
We do not get caught up in the content of what is being fought about, but instead pay close attention to how it is being played out, consequently the original problems can become much less confusing. What felt like a mountain of a problem becomes much less so once a sense of a dependable team has been re-established.
By focusing on the underlying fears and needs for safety and connection, our therapists can help yous move beyond the surface-level disputes, understand and communicate more openly what is driving the cycle and foster a deeper, more resilient bond.
2) We are Trauma Informed
At entry point of therapy couples are visibly distressed. Their bodies are tense, their heart rates are up and the tension on their faces is palpable. They are certain that the other is a threat somehow and they must protect themselves by telling the story of how this threat is true.
Often their bodies are in a state of fight or flight and the thinking part of their brain is not accessible. Their bodies are flooded with stress hormones and how they function here is a like a state of survival.
Our Trauma Informed pillar emphasises the importance of emotional safety, allowing couples to step back, or in from, their fight-or-flight responses and explore the roots of their fears and reactions. We focus on gentle regulation and what is needed to help settle nervous systems.
Our initial focus is de-escalating the cycle so you can begin to connect and think more clearly. It is not possible to find a bigger sense of settled unless your bodies can begin to calm, and your heart rates begin to slow down. This paves the way for a much deeper empathy and a more genuine connection, as you learn to navigate the underlying vulnerabilities together.
When awareness of trauma responses is combined with an attachment lens we help couples to understand that fear of disconnection, or the potential loss of a loved one, can feel so deeply frightening it creates a fight or flight response.
3) We are trained in Relational Psychotherapy
We bring the longest, deepest passion and training in understanding how people function and why they function the way they do. Every defence has a story to tell and is always, at a base level, protecting some tender experience of loss or fear of loss, or harm. We understand family dynamics and the origins of historical coping mechanisms and why these are formed. We understand the driving fears to behaviours and want to help each individual to understand theirs too.
When all behaviour is understood as communication and someone skilled can help to pause the behaviours and be curious, with incredible compassion as to what reactions are likely protecting, this openness and vulnerability is healing for the you and your relationship. A calmer, more inviting story can be told, which inevitably draws you closer to each-other, and replaces reactivity (withdraw/pursue) which inevitably pushes others away.
4) We offer Accountability and Committed Congruence
Care and compassion are essential and build a decent new foundation to begin understanding and expressing yourselves, however, it is essential certain actions not be allowed to go unchecked.
Our therapists are brave and speak what they see. They take the task of creating emotional safety very seriously and will support any spirals that prevent this from occurring. We do not want to simply be mediators to your arguments or sit observing your conflict as you cycle around for hours in the same argument you've had for years. This will serve no one.
Within the framework of deep curiosity and compassion to your underlying drivers it is much easier for you both to admit the aspects of the cycle that you may be contributing to and begin to appreciate how each of your actions are impacting the other. We provide clear mirrors to reflect this, all within a frame work that makes this less challenging to hear. You can begin seeing what you are “up to” in your reactions and begin taking a fuller accountability for these.
The cycle you are in is the main problem and the disconnection you feel there is the main point of pain.
We want to unite you against the cycle that has been creating the distance and we do this by facilitating emotional access to deeper drivers, with clear accountability for how you each act when these are triggered. This leads to new conversation if the cycle ever starts up again in the future and a new compassion for yourself and your loved one for what they're wrestling with when it does.
It is our goal to make the invisible visible. We bring underlying parts of you into the connection in place of distancing stances (and we include pursuit as one of these).
5) Our work is Experiential
Words are wonderful and they go a long way. They are also just words and are often caught in old stories and difficult to anchor into when a cycle of distance has been deeply established for many months or years.
You may find yourself saying "I've heard it all before" with a little eye roll.
It is essential that you get to experience each other differently. That this experience is then integrated into your bodies to calm your nervous systems and remind you the other is with you. This is the part of connection that brings calm and is the thing most people are fighting to find.
Finding a facilitator who knows how to create this can often feel quite a revelation to couples, who have often been lost to each other for some time.
Through very practical tools and facilitated experiences, we will guide you towards creating memorable moments of emotional connection that you can then take back into your everyday lives.
We want to provide an imprint within your minds and bodies that a different kind of connection between you and your partner is possible.
We now offer a 10 week re-connecting package.
We understand committing to a long term process can be difficult within busy lives and that the cost of ongoing, open ended therapy isn't accessible to all. This package has a beginning, middle and an end. Our aim is that by the end you have a renewed connection and a much deeper sense of understanding of each other.
We aim to provide not just immediate relief but tools, insights and experiences to support an ongoing sense of team work and understanding.
The 10 week re-connecting package provides 8 weeks of couples sessions and two weeks of individual sessions, where the therapist can get to know you each better individually and offer closer support in addressing the cycle you are caught in.
Please see our 10 week re-connecting package page for more information: Here
If you need more specific betrayal support the work is slightly different, see our betrayal re-bonding offerings here: https://www.experienceconnection.co.uk/betrayals
If you are couple who have been impacted by addiction, again the work is slightly focused see our page here: https://www.experienceconnection.co.uk/addicitonrebonding
Comments